A War the Democrats Can Win

Editor's note: The author insisted I post this Scotch-soaked rant. Perhaps this is a good time to refer to this disclaimer.

News Flash: Jubilant Democrats Announce New Strategy For Winning Campaigns - Defeat Democrats!

The bells were ringing, Code Pink banners abound as democrats enjoyed their first election victory in years by defeating fellow Democrat Joe Lieberman in the Connecticut Senatorial primary last week. Howard Dean, leader of the Democratic Party, could barely contain his enthusiasm at his party's success. Said Dean "I told you we could do it! I was sure we could take him down, after all, he's a democrat! This is huge for us, and I predict we will implement this strategy on a national basis bringing us many, many more victories in the elections to come!"

Perennial political gadfly Michael Moore managed to stop eating long enough to release a press notice informing his fan or two "This is a watershed event! We have finally found the formula for election success, and we're putting every Democrat on notice, they are vulnerable, and we're taking you down." The press conference was then called early due to an incident with Moore attempting to eat fourteen Krispy Kreme treats at once. Tragedy was narrowly averted when a team of seven of his aides were able to form a human chain to reach around Mr. Moore and perform the Heimlich Maneuver

Peace activist, and really scary-looking person Cindy Sheehan answered questions from a sidewalk cafe over lunch. "I knew my on-going fast would produce results! We've known all along that democrats are easy targets during elections, and now we're going to use this information to target democrats all over the country!" Between bites of a pastrami on rye, and an occasional picked keilbasa she declared "I've been thinking about running for the Senate against Barbara Boxer, and this could just be the time to jump in to the race, before a republican pick's her off."

Not all democrats were happy about the primary outcome, most notably Joe Liberman who quickly bolted from the party. His office released an announcement stating "While we're deeply disappointed at our loss, we intend to continue this campaign from an independent point of view. And I must tell you, being an independent sure takes a load off my shoulders. Being a democrat is like walking around with a target on your back." John F. Kerry, one time presidential nominee also was shaken by the news. "This is scary stuff. I'm happy to support any and all democratic candidates, just so long as they're not running against me. This reminds me of my tour of Vietnam......*"

*Note: The reporter covering Mr. Kerry's comments fell asleep at this point, and did not awaken for several hours, long after the press conference concluded.

Though obviously elated by the news, President Bush's comments were more subdued. "It's just like that movie about the mobsters I watched with Mr. Cheney. One kiss and they're dead. Who knew the President had such powers?" Presidential aid Karl Rove was cornered by the Washington Press Corp. while in the White House, and said between giggles "We all knew it was only a matter of time before the democrats finaly figured it out."