Constitutiono Respectus

While reading this, please imagine the sound a cheesy American skit comedian would use while trying to sound like a rugged Australian...

Right! G'day mates, and welcome to another episode of 'Really Bizarre and Truly Frightening Animals From Around the World!' I'm your host Crackers McJumblies and you all know my really hot babe/assistant, Barbie Yabahos! (Nice rack, aye mates!)

Today we're going to do the impossible. Of course, nothing new there, heh? We're in search of one of the rarest of all breeds of animals. Some scientists doubt this critter still exists, others doubt it ever existed outside of mythology. But the impossible is our job, and if one is out there, we're gonna bag 'm!

Our quarry today, is a subset of the North American Politician, a rare bird indeed, it's the species that feels bound by the United States Constitution. I know what you're thinking, "who tossed my brains on the barbie (the barbeque, not the assistant)?" But I assure you, if this creature does in fact exist, we'll find it.

We begin our search in the swampy inlands of the Potomac River, known to the locals as Washington DC. This steamy urban landscape is home to numerous fascinating creatures, and we could easily spend all day just collecting and categorizing samples of the flora and fauna, but today we're after a specific animal, and we're not going home empty handed!

While the view here from Pennsylvania Avenue shows a multitude of species, very few are actually indigenous to the swamp, most are migratory, stopping long enough to mate, eat, drink and to bulk up for the flight back to their native lands.

Now, I've had a crew here on the ground for some number of months working with local guides to narrow down the areas we'll search today. Crimy, they've been here so long, some are starting to go native on me. Jimbo on the film crew, we caught him in a three piece suit last week, wingtips and all. And Rockers over there, even picked himself up an intern. We've got to get these boys out of here soon, or we may lose them completely!

Our first stop is a particularly nasty bit of the swamp, very slimy, very dangerous, and if Barbie wasn't such an avid hunter I'd never risk her in such a place, the Capitol Building! However, first we have to reach it. No easy feat. As you can see the entrance way is completely blocked by scores of Dodo and Coo-coo birds. Criky, I've never seen such a collection. They're all parading around, flashy colors, loudly screeching. Obviously trying to gather the attention of their mates for breeding purposes. Looky over to the left, over there, a gaggle of them have created what appears to be a giant paper-mache contraption, no doubt to display to potential mates, just how capable they are of supporting a brood.

We make our way through the throngs of wildlife and approach the entrance to this huge cave. From its looks I'd say this has been a gathering area for some time. Colorful decorations of all kinds are etched upon the walls. This is truly a magnificent example of what I call the "peacock" syndrome. That's where members of a species attempt to out-do each other in the magnificence of their nesting grounds.

We're now proceeding into one of two inner sanctums of this cave. We'll start with the one that holds the smaller group of politicians, its referred to by the locals as the "Senate."

Contrary to the loud and robust scene outside, the atmosphere is much more subdued in here, it seems almost like they're taking turns to strut up and down trying to mate. Rockers has been scoping this place out for some time, and though he hasn't been able to spot a Constitutionally-restrained Politician, he has noted some very interesting sub-species. For example, the one up there on the high ground spouting off now. Get a close-up of that one for the audience, the one with the white hair and bubulous nose. Look at the girth on that one, no danger of him starving anytime soon, heh? That one is a breed we believe is in danger of going extinct. It's the Liberal-Loon. Judging by the calls, I'd say from the Northeast of America, Massachusetts I'd bet. Now, we wanted to tag that particular one with a radio collar, just to keep tabs on him, but Rockers tells me no matter how many shots of scotch they filled him with, they just couldn't bring the beast down. He's got one hell of a resistance to it. I've never seen anything like it.

Now we're going to join Bonkers over in the other cave, the one with the greater population, known by the locals as the House of Representatives. What a loud and lively bunch they are. Because there's so much activity in this cave, we've set up microphones around the high ground where we can monitor their calls. It'll take a good ear to make much sense out of that racket, but Bonkers is the best there is!

Bonkers tells us he's taken note of one or two which may be our target. He's got a clip to play so you can hear what it might sound like.

"The nonsense that the Constitution is a living, flexible document taught as gospel in most of our public schools must be challenged. The Founders were astute enough to recognize the Constitution was not perfect and widely permitted amendments to the document but they correctly made the process tedious and difficult. Without a renewed love for liberty and confidence in its results it will be difficult if not impossible to restore once again the rule of law under the Constitution."

Oh Bonkers, I can feel the electricity in the air, I think you've found our game! Good work, I owe you a cooler of Foster's for this one. If that's not a Constitutionally-restrained North American Politician, then one doesn't exist. We've got to tag him with a radio collar for sure. We have to learn if there are more, and if so, where are they! Any chance to encourage their breeding and continued existence is a must! There's not a moment to lose!

Unlike the Liberal-Loon in the other chamber, this one doesn't seem to be tempted by scotch, so we're going to have to use a net on this one. We'll wait till it's done squawking and make our move. One thing I can't help noticing, while this one is squawking, no other politician of any species seems to be paying attention in the least. It's like it doesn't even exist. Crimey, no wonder they're so hard to find, no one notices them!

Okay, Bonkers, Jimbo and Barbie have the net ready, he's gathering up some papers and is starting to head this way. I've got the collar ready. While he's down we want to grab a blood sample so we can determine its health, and if possible, I'm going to pull a tooth to analyze later for age.

And ready, set, not too fast, we don't want to scare this one off, we may never have another opportunity like this. Just look at him, what a magnificent beast, so proud, so self-assured, such self-control, I've never seen anything like it before!

Okay mates, on the count of three, spring the net. One. Two. Three! Go mates, GO! And we've got the net on him, man is this one a fighter, he's not going willingly. What's that? What's that noise? I can't believe what I'm hearing! If I didn't know better, I'd swear the other animals in this chamber are applauding us! No time for that, we've got to work very carefully and very quickly. We don't want to injure what may be the last specimen of this rare breed. I've got him collared, and Barbie's tagging his ear. Bonkers is drawing blood from his buttocks, what a fighter, he's not going down easily!

I've decided not to go for the tooth, I'm not getting my fingers anywhere near those chompers, they're monstrous! And......done! Pull the net, and he's off. Not a happy bloke this one, doesn't take well to captivity, a very strong will to be free. I'd have thought with those attributes, the species would have thrived, but it doesn't seem to be the case. Just the dichotomy of this entire situation is making me dizzy. In this environment, the strong fail while the weak and the docile seem to thrive. Must be the heat and humidity of this swamp, it's making my head swim. Crimey, I need some fresh air.

Barbie, Rocker, Jimbo - pull the teams, get them out of here quick, we've accomplished our mission, we've proved the North American Constitutionally-restrained Politician does exist, we've recorded him, we've tagged him, now get my crew out before its too late.

Whew, back here out on the street, far away from that pit, that....place, it's hard to describe what that atmosphere does to a bloke. I've been bitten in the scrotum by a King Cobra, I've stared down the maw of giant croc, I've have baboons pelt my bleeding eyes with poo - but I have never experienced anything like that. But our mission has been accomplished, and doing the impossible is just another days work for us. It's been a great show and remember to join us next week when we do the impossible once again. Next time we're off in search of the fabled Libertarian Voter!