What makes a citizen?

One would have to be either an idiot, live under a rock, or be completely engrossed in reality TV to not have noticed the all the hubris lately concerning the state of illegal immigrants in these United States. Tens of thousands are protesting in the streets. Politicians of every conceivable color and stripe are glomming onto the media attention like the flesh-eating bacteria they are. And talking heads, bloggers and radio pundents have enough material to last them for years. Since there's absolutely nothing I can add to the conversation, that's exactly what I've decided to do. I'm stubborn like that. Drives my wife nuts.

But one aspect of my personality that my wife does appreciate is my ability to take a different perspective, a different twist, if you will. So here's one for all you readers, just what is an American citizen? The short answer is someone who is born in America or someone who becomes naturalized, i.e. jumps through all the hoops laid out by our well-oiled, streamlined, perfectly-functioning federal government. So how does the federal government secure the authority to bestow citizenship on certain people, while not on others? For that, let's take a little trip through this blog's favorite document - the United States Constitution.

On first glance, I must admit, there is really not much on the topic at all. The preamble begins with:

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

It appears to me that this is proclamation that we, the people living in the United States all those glorious decades ago, by virtue of having bothered the British enough to pack up and leave, makes us citizens of these states. However what I'm looking for is the meat and potatoes. What are the rights and, more importantly, the responsibilities required for citizenship? No doubt the Constitution by its very nature displays our rights as citizens by clearly stating (to all except the current and past few generations of socialists, communists, leftists and politicians) what the government can not do. And, in what it can not do, clearly states what our rights are. Namely, everything else. But what about the requirements? Let's dig further, shall we?

The legal status is slightly referenced again in the requirements for the office of the President, as outlined in Article II Section 1.

No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.

The phrase "natural born citizen" leaps out, which would seem to proclaim citizenship on any one lucky enough to be born in this great country. Sucks to be you Arnold. But still, nothing definitive.

Surely the Thirteenth Amendment must hold something for us. After all, by abolishing slavery, clearly full citizenship was bestowed upon our fellow Americans so wronged by the disgusting and despicable institution of slavery. But on closer inspection, there really isn't all that much to be found.

Section 1. Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Section 2. Congress shall have power to enforce this article by appropriate legislation.

That just outlaws slavery, and doesn't even mention citizenship, it just codifies that freedom can not be seized without a trail by jury. The kicker I see here is this one seems to completely revoke the US authority to hold terrorists at Gitmo. After all, it is definitely under US jurisdiction. Fidel would most certainly be hosting parades, stuffing cigars in all their mouths and treating them as heroes if he had jurisdiction. But by the same thinking, since the amendment does not specifically state citizenship, did the US have the authority to hold German prisoners of war on US soil, during WWII? It would not appear not. Perhaps more than just the leftists find viewing the Constitution as a living, breathing document when it suits their needs.

So where do the rights, responsibilities and requirements of citizenship reside?

Article III, Section 3 deals with treason. But even that says nothing about revoking citizenship. I think I see where this is headed, and I don't get a warm fuzzy feeling on it. The only other place it could reside is Article I, Section 8, legislative power.

To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing powers, and all other powers vested by this Constitution in the government of the United States, or in any department or officer thereof.

In Highschool history class, the teacher explained this one as the "elasticity clause", but it could better be described as the overwhelming power Congress seizes on a daily basis to force their will on every single person in the United States, whenever they feel like it, simply because they are trying to compensate for early feelings of inadequacy and penis envy. I'm not sure of the exact scientific term for what Diane Fienstien, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton and other Congress-persons of the fairer sex have that causes them to consider themselves God's savior to the American people, but you get the idea.

This elasticity clause basically says Congress has the authority to pass any bill they see as necessary to carry out their responsibilities under the Constitution. Nice circular logic there, huh? Of course Congress does not have Constitutional authority to even debate public education, but (and that "but" is about the a trillion times the size of Alaska's North Slope) in order to fulfill their responsibilities, which are so clearly laid out, they must. And, after all, it's for the children! How could you even think about voting against someone who only has the children's best interest at heart? (Please ignore the 38,531 pages concerning casinos, ethanol subsidies, grants, loans, and other pork attached to the "No Child Shall Be Denied the Right to Have Multicultural Education Act" Move along, nothing to see here.)

In other words, Congress has decided what the rights, responsibilities and requirements for what is an American Citizen. Apparently none has the hueveros yet to try and put statutory limits on those born in the United States. But my guess is they've regulated every possible other thing.

So where does this leave us? With one crystal clear rule and a whole bunch of muddy murky, hazy rules. If you are born in the US, you are a citizen. If you leap through Congress' flaming hoops long enough, you can become a citizen. And if you cross the border in the dead of night, float on a raft through the Florida Straits, sneak onto a cargo freighter, or whatever, you are at Congress' mercy. And may the Lord have mercy on your soul.